


In the Midst of Change

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-05-24
Updated: 2005-05-24
Packaged: 2019-05-31 07:32:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15114689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: Leo knew she was frightened.  He knew she woke up in the middle of the night to assure his heart was beating.  He knew she feared spooning now because she had no desire to wake with his natural chemical reaction pressing into her back.





	In the Midst of Change

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

**In The Midst of Change**

**by: Montiese**

**Pairing(s):** CJ/Leo  
**Category(s):** Drama/Angst  
**Rating:** MATURE  
**Disclaimer:** Belongs to Aaron Sorkin, et al.  
**Summary:** Leo knew she was frightened.  He knew she woke up in the middle of the night to assure his heart was beating.  He knew she feared spooning now because she had no desire to wake with his natural chemical reaction pressing into her back.  
**Author's Note:** this is the fourth installment of the Grace Spencer series. 

"I am not making you waffles!" Grace exclaimed.  "I have plans."

"Daddy!" Callen shouted.

"Stop being a brat!"

"Hey Grace." Leo walked into the kitchen.  "You don’t have to yell at your brother.  I will make the waffles CJ."

"I'm sorry daddy.  Sorry CJ."

"Whatever." The little boy muttered.

"Hey, your sister apologized...accept it and move on."

"Fine." More muttering from Callen.

Leo shook his head, grabbing the waffle maker from the cabinet above the dishwasher.

"Daddy, should you really be standing for that long?" Grace asked.

It had been four months since Leo had his heart attack and his double bypass surgery.  For a while, his family did not know if he was going to survive.  Fourteen-year-old Grace had to hold up her brother Callen Jude, who was almost five and her two-year-old sister Prue while her mother held vigil at her father’s bedside and helped run the country.

"I am OK pumpkin.  What are these plans you were talking about?"

Grace went on about going to the mall with Becky and Sarah as Callen ran around collecting all the ingredients for his favorite food.

"I'm figuring you will need money for this little excursion." Leo said.

"Well, I wasn’t going to ask.  Of course, who am I to turn down monetary donations?"

Leo smiled.

"I’ll just call you the DNC from now on." He said.  "One condition though kid.  No CJ, I need two eggs."

"What?" Grace asked as Callen climbed onto the stool to watch the process.

"I don’t want to see anymore shirts that expose your navel.  Are we understood?"

"Uh huh."

"Grace."

"Yeah daddy, I mean it."

"Go and get my wallet from my nightstand drawer."

"That’s locked." Grace replied.

Leo leaned in close to whisper.

"The key is under my pillow.  You better not dare touch that gun...ever.  Put the key back where you found it."

Grace nodded, running up the stairs.  She seemed to run everywhere.

"Why is the drawer locked?" Callen asked.

Leo looked at him.

"Because daddy keeps things that are not for everyone’s eyes.  Hand me the cinnamon."

He did.  Grace was back with the wallet.  Leo gave her three twenties and a ten.

"Let’s not talk about this with mom, OK?"

"Yeah.  She’ll wonder where I got the purse and bracelet...or whatever."

Leo shook his head.  Grace had more clothes and accessories than her father thought was humanly possible.  CJ would not notice if it was old or new.  Anyway, she was going to be at the White House with Prue until late afternoon.  She was Chief of Staff now and there were plenty of other things to keep her busy.  Leo was still recovering...he would not return to the Bartlet Administration until after the New Year.

Grace stuck the cash in her imitation Kate Spade wallet as Leo placed a plate in front of his son.

"Waffles." He proclaimed.

"Yea!" Callen went crazy with the syrup, just like his mother.

 A horn honked outside and Grace grabbed her coat as she went to the front door.

"Put that coat on young lady, we don’t need you catching a cold and spreading it around here."

"OK.  I love you daddy."

"Love you too kid."

Leo looked at Callen, syrup on his face.  He smiled.

"I think it is just you and me CJ.  Anything you want to do?"

"Anything?" the little boy asked.

"Will I regret saying yes?"

"Let’s watch CNN and then the Muppets." He said.

"Um, OK."

CJ never really let the kids watch political TV or follow their parents’ harried lifestyle.  Grace already spent her early years knee deep in it...she wanted to protect Callen and Prue as much as she could.

"OK.  One hour of CNN and then the Muppets."

"OK.  Can I have another waffle?"

Leo plopped the waffle on his plate but did not let him add more syrup.  Callen bouncing off the walls was similar to an F3 tornado.  He had his mother’s whirling dervish qualities.  The phone rang and Leo grabbed it.

"Hello."

"Hi daddy!"

"Prudence.  Hey sweetie."

"Here we come." She said.

"What do you mean?" Leo looked at the clock.  It was just after eleven.

"Here’s mommy."

"Hey."

"Home already?" he asked.

"Yeah.  I just want to relax, and Prue is getting restless.  I left at 6:30 this morning so I am done here.  Did Grace make breakfast for Callen?"

"I did.  She went to the mall with her friends."

"Did you give her money Leo?"

"No."

"You're an awful liar Leo McGarry.  We will be home in a few minutes."

"Alright baby.  See you soon."

Leo hung up the phone.

"Mommy’s on her way." He said.

"Can we still watch _Crossfire_?" 

Callen knew his mother’s rules well.

"Yeah.  Just let me talk to her."

He poured two glasses of milk and began to scan the _Washington Post_.

\-------------------------------------------

"Prue will nap for a couple of hours while I catch up on education."

CJ sat on the bed with two briefing books and some files.  Leo leaned across and kissed her.

"I promised CJ an hour of CNN."

"Leo, I thought we had this discussion.  You are the one who said Gracie never had a chance to be a kid.  You said kids need to be oblivious for a little while."

"They know what we do baby; and it seems to interest them.  I do not think an hour of political commentary will educate him on the horrors of the world.  He will probably fall asleep."

CJ sighed.

"OK.  If they break in with something bad I want you to turn it off." CJ said.

"Deal."

Leo kissed her again.  The McGarrys had not been intimate at all since the heart attack.  It was a mutual decision that weighed on both of them.  There had been some kissing and a heavy petting session that CJ quickly put an end to.  Leo knew she was frightened.  He knew she woke up in the middle of the night to assure his heart was still beating.  He knew she feared spooning now because she had no desire to wake up with his natural chemical reaction pressing on her back.

Leo missed her body...the way she curled around him or pressed her breasts on his chest when she laid on top of him.  He missed her sounds of ecstasy and the little excited giggles.  He missed talking her through their lovemaking, or whispering to her so they would not wake the kids.  He missed being late for work because they had to have each other.  He missed the taste of her, the smell, and the feel.  All the things they used to do: the games, the stripteases, the banter, the dirty talk...it was gone.

He ran his hand down her arm.  CJ looked at him, ignoring the look of desire that he gave her.  She also ignored the knots in her stomach.

"If Callen has to come up those stairs you're going to regret it Leo." She said, clearing her throat.

"Yeah.  If you need me, holler my name."

She hid her smile.

"I can't.  Prue is asleep."

Leo nodded, walking out of the room.  CJ let out the breath she was holding.  She looked at the picture of her family sitting on the nightstand.  It was taken just a few months before the heart attack, a few months before the rug was yanked from under her feet.

"Read Claudia Jean." She chastised herself.

\----------------------------------------------------

"The kids are down." Leo sat beside CJ on the couch in the den.

She took off her glasses, looking up from the _New York Times_.

"I had to read the _Little Engine That Could_ twice." He said.  "Grace is on the phone...I gave her another hour of that."

It was quarter to nine.  Grace had to be in bed by eleven.  She usually ended up goofing around until midnight. Until her father stuck his head into her room and said if he did not hear the breathing of a sleeping child he would get his belt.

"Prue will be up for the bathroom in an hour or so." CJ said.  "How do you feel?"

"I feel fine.  That nap really helped. Did you finish the reading?"

"No.  Sometimes I get so sick of looking at those words.  It will be done by Monday."

Leo took the newspaper from her, putting it on the table.

"I was reading that."

"Shush."

He lay in her arms, resting his back on her chest.  CJ kissed the top of his head as she wrapped her arms around his middle.  Leo pulled her leg onto his lap, gently stroking her thigh.  CJ closed her eyes.

"How about for 15 minutes or so we just enjoy the quiet?" Leo asked.

"Do you want to lay bets on a cell phone ringing?"

"Let’s try to be optimistic Claudia Jean."

"If we are going for optimistic, make it a half hour."

"Done." Leo snapped his fingers.

After a few minutes, CJ got comfortable with the sounds of their breathing.  Her fingers took on a life of their own, lifting Leo’s shirt out of his khakis.  She began to draw figure eights and circles around his belly.  Leo sighed, stroking her thigh again.

"That feels fantastic." He whispered.

"Shh...no talking."

"Yes ma’am."

CJ kissed his neck softly.  Leo felt his stomach stirring when she kissed behind his ear. He bit down on his lip, afraid that any moan of pleasure would cause his wife to withdraw.

"I love you Leo."

"I love you too.  Why don’t you move those fingers a bit lower." There was no harm in trying.

"The kids are still awake.  Stop being naughty."

"OK.  I’ll try again after 11."

CJ would probably be asleep after 11.  Tonight though, she would curl her body around his like she used to do.  She told him so.

"Naked?" Leo asked.

"Why the hell not?"

\-------------------------------------------------

Leo woke early on Sunday morning, turning his head to look out the rain soaked window.  Morning had barely arrived on the streets of Georgetown.  He smiled when he felt his wife wrapped around him like a security blanket...just like she promised.  He reached down under the covers, gingering touching his erection.  Go away, he willed, there is nothing for you to do here.  CJ stirred in her sleep.  She reached her hand across, locking her fingers in his.

"Don’t wake up baby.  It is not time to wake up."

She murmured, tightening around him.  Leo shifted his weight, OK don't do that either.

"Too tight CJ." He said, pulling away slightly.

CJ opened her eyes.

"What’s the matter?" she asked in a drowsy tone.

"Too tight."

"Huh?" CJ rubbed her eyes.  She pulled him to her.

"You were holding me too tight."

"Is that possible?"

"Yes, believe me." He rested his head on her shoulder.  "CJ, do you think we’ll ever make love again?"

"Why would you ask me that?"

"Guess."

"You had a heart attack four months ago.  I watched as you almost died.  Then you decided that I would be a great replacement for you.  I try to be a mother to our children, cooking dinner and checking homework and all you're thinking about is sex."

CJ moved to her side of the bed, covering her nudity with one of her pillows.

"You know I care about more than sex CJ.  However, you also know how much I love you.  It’s an important part of our marriage."

"No, its not." CJ replied.

"That’s naïve to say.  You know we had a very active sex life.  I do not want to be made the enemy for missing that."

"You act as if it has been four years...it’s been four months."

Leo sighed.  He definitely did not want to fight about it.

"I don't want to fight about it CJ."

"You don't want to fight and you start with this?"

"That’s right, I don't want to fight.  We don’t have to scream and argue because I love you and I want to show you.  It is not all I think about but I will not be the bad guy because it means something to me."

CJ looked hard at him, her chest rising and falling.

"I miss you too Leo."  She took a sharp intake of breath and the tears fell.  "It would be ridiculous to assume that I don’t."

Leo wiped her tears with gentle fingers.

"You are not 100%, and I am not willing to risk you for carnal pleasure...ever.  You don’t think I miss you, your touch.  You don’t think that at the most inopportune times I think about your weight on top of me, and the things you do to me.  Then I think of all the monitors, and the doctors, and how I prepared a speech to tell the kids that daddy was dead.  Right now in my head the two are really mangled, and I need time."

"Baby I respect that.  I do.  There isn’t going to be any pressure from me.  As long as you understand that I cannot turn off my desire for you like a faucet."

"Maybe we should sleep in separate beds." CJ suggested.

"No, CJ.  I never don't want to share a bed with you." He sat up.  "I cannot talk about this anymore.  It is early on a Sunday morning and you need to get some rest before the kids get up."

"Where are you going?"

"To take a walk."

"It’s freezing...and it’s raining."

"On the treadmill, don’t worry." Leo went to his drawers, pulled on his shorts, socks, and a tee shirt. He kissed CJ’s cheek.  "Go back to sleep baby, OK?"

Yeah right, CJ thought as she slipped under the covers.  She cried again when he left the room.  Cried herself back to sleep on a rainy Sunday in Georgetown.  How many times would she do that before it became unbearable?

\----------------------------------------------

Grace sat on the couch and watched her father walk on the treadmill as she sipped apple cinnamon tea.  His death scare was still fresh in her mind too.  It was not beyond her to feel for his heartbeat while he napped on the couch.

"What are you doing up pumpkin?" Leo asked.

He stopped the treadmill and did some stretching before sitting next to her daughter.

"I can't sleep." He said.

"Why?  What’s the matter?"

"Nothing."

"That’s not true.  You never used to have a problem talking to me.  Wait, is this a female thing?"

"No daddy." Grace’s face broke out in a smile.  "I would never torture you like that."

It amazed him still how much she looked like her adopted mother.

"I have a lot on my mind." She said.

"Tell me, I'm listening.  I have a lot of time on my hands...come on sweetie."

Grace took a deep breath, pulling her knees to her chest just like her mother did when she was upset.

"I know that you can't promise me that you won't die." She said.

Leo shook his head.

"Nope."

"Still, I wish you could."

"Yeah, I know.  I am doing so well Gracie.  The doctor is happy with my recovery so far.  I am exercising, eating right, and doing everything mom tells me to."

"I was scared when you got sick daddy."

"So was I.  I had been ignoring the signs for months; and that is my own fault."

"Why did you give mom that job...the one that made you sick?"

"Being Chief of Staff did not make me sick.  If I would have taken care of myself better-you know what Gracie, I still could’ve had a heart attack.  Sometimes there are no warning signs."

She nodded.  Leo reached out to rub her knee.

"I am still scared daddy.  I get scared if mom gets upset with you and I have these dreams that we’re all at this family barbecue and you're not there because you're dead.  Nothing is the same anymore; we used to be happy even when we were so busy."

"You're not happy anymore?" Leo asked.

Grace shook her head.  It wasn’t all the time, but there were times when she had to carry the burden of being a mother to Callen and Prue.  She was fourteen years old; half the time all she wanted to do was play guitar, surf the net, or have some time to herself.  Then she was struck with bouts of guilt for being selfish.  Weren’t teenagers supposed to be selfish?  She could not scream or yell at her parents for stifling her ‘me’ time.  Grace was afraid the slightest disappointment would send her father into cardiac arrest and her mother into depression.

"I am growing up too fast." She said.  "I don’t feel like I can make mistakes or ignore responsibilities like normal teenagers."

"Of course you can.  I am so sorry Grace; I always felt that our failings and problems would haunt our children.  We’ll hire another babysitter, I promise.  You of all people deserve your childhood.  CJ and Prue need a great big sister, not another mother.  I don’t want you to resent having to take care of them...you know that put a lot of strain on my relationship with my siblings."

Grace nodded.  She could count on one hand the number of times a year she saw Aunt Elizabeth, Aunt Josie, and the cousins.  She threw her arms around her father.  Leo held her tight.

"I love you daddy."

"I love you too kid.  Don’t ever be afraid to talk to me, or your mother.  We’re here to support and help.  Anything else you want to get off your chest?"

"I think I have my first real crush.  Not an infatuation like I had with Ron Butterfield, but the real thing."

"Uh oh sweetie, you just left dad’s arena.  I scare boys away; I certainly don't encourage them."

\----------------------------------------------------

"Nap time at the McGarrys." Leo said leaning on the doorframe of the den.  "It may just be the most exciting part of the day."

CJ smiled.  She was sitting on the couch trying to read education again.  The Sundays sang _Wild Horses_ on a mixed CD on the stereo.

"Grace went to Becky’s house...her parents let them practice their instruments in the basement.  She asked if I would let them do that here and I said not until you were back at work."

"I don’t mind the noise.  I do own several pairs of quality earplugs." Leo replied.

CJ looked at him over the top of her glasses.

"Don’t look at me like that."

"Why not?" she asked.

"Because suddenly I feel five years old, about to get my bottom slapped."

"I'm sorry.  I just don’t want Grace and her friends hacking away when you are trying to rest."

"Yeah, three floors up." Leo joined his wife on the couch.  "If Grace wants to reunite the Go-Gos then I want her to do it.  If they need our basement then it is fine with me."

"I didn’t know that you knew who the Go-Gos were Leo."

He smiled.

"Missing the point my little gumdrop.  I want the kids to do whatever they want and I want our house to be an open door for their passions and eccentricities.  In the end I think it will make them happier, better people.  Who cares if other people think they are weird; who cares if we do?  They're our babies."

CJ nodded.

"I agree.  So Callen gets to watch CNN now?"

"Limited viewing.  He’ll tire of it after he realizes that it is no longer forbidden.  Come on Mrs. McGarry, dance with me."

CJ smiled, folding the page of her book and laying it across the couch.  Leo took her hand, helping her from the couch.  He slipped his arms around her as Crowded House sang _Better Be Home Soon_.

"I love you Claudia Jean." He whispered, pulling her closer.

"I love you too." She ran her hands down his back.

Leo softly kissed her lips.  CJ stroked her cheek.  He leaned and kissed her neck.  CJ moaned.

"Mmm, that feels nice."

"Yeah, it does."

He kissed her again, this time with more passion.  CJ’s body had no choice but to respond...she could not help it.  She did every time that Leo touched her.  She didn’t stop him when he lifted the tee shirt over her head, though she was now topless.

"CJ." Leo had trouble finding her voice.

"Its Sunday.  I didn’t think I needed a bra."

"You don't, believe me.  This is just fine."

CJ smiled as they moved over to the couch.  He began to massage her breasts; CJ arched her back.

"Leo, Leo wait."

He stopped with reluctance.  He looked into her eyes.

"I'm afraid." She whispered.

He caressed her face.

"Its OK baby.  I won't go too far OK?"

"I am not ready to make love." She replied.

"I know.  I am not going too far.  Do you want me to stop?"

She was quiet for a while.  It felt so good and they’d hardly gotten anywhere.

"No Leo, but don’t go too far."

He smiled.  His hands went back to touching her body.  She relaxed, letting herself enjoy the feeling.

"Tell me how it feels baby." Leo’s fingers crept across her stomach to the elastic of her sweatpants.

"Oh God." She whimpered.

He pulled the pants down, and the panties went with them.  CJ froze...how the hell did she wind up naked?

"Leo?"

"Shh, its OK."

"No, don’t." she pulled away, grabbing the afghan from the top of the couch to cover herself.  Leo looked at her with hurt in his hazel eyes.

"I can't do this." She shook her head and started to cry.

"Its alright CJ.  Don’t cry."

"I have to read.  I’m going to go upstairs."

She dressed quickly, grabbing her books, and rushing up the stairs.  Leo looked after her.  He sighed, falling deeper into the couch.  They had to do something about this before it started to put a rift in their marriage.  They were both right...CJ said sex was not the most important element of their union and Leo said he missed their active sex life.

It was a tension breaker, a stress releaser, a way to show how much he loved her because words were never enough.  She cut him off from that...from touching her.  In an effort to curb her own desire CJ pushed Leo away.  They hardly kissed anymore, and touching was almost completely off limits.  

She immersed herself in her work.  She had plenty to do now that she was Chief of Staff.  It had been Leo who gave her the job, and now he was going to pay for it in a very personal way.  The job, along with her efforts to keep the lives of their children as normal as possible, would tear the McGarrys apart.  He did not know what else to say to her.

"Leo?"

He looked up at CJ standing in the doorway where he’d been standing about forty-five minutes ago.  He sighed.

"Yeah baby?"

"I don’t want to feel like this anymore."

"Like what?"

"Like I'm going to wake up one morning and you'll be beside me but not breathing.  Or maybe we’ll be making love and you'll have another heart attack.  Or Callen and Prue will find you dead on the floor and never get that image out of their minds as long as they live."

"I don’t know...you know I can't tell you that I am not going to die." Leo said.

"I need to hear it.  I need to know it."

"CJ, I don’t know that you won't be driving to work tomorrow and some jackass cuts you off and its over.  Nobody knows these things.  We hold onto each other while we’re here.  I feel like you're pushing me away.  That doesn’t save me CJ, it kills me."

CJ didn’t know what to say.  She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

"If I lose you I don’t know what we’ll do."

"Stop it!" Leo exclaimed.  "You will move on with your life because you are strong and you'll have no choice.  I'm gonna die CJ, maybe tomorrow.  Of course it could be 15 years from tomorrow.  We cannot have this conversation everyday...we cannot sleep in separate bedrooms.  You need to talk to someone."

"Yeah.  When do you suppose I’ll have some time?  Maybe I can squeeze it in tomorrow between my appointment with the Secretary of State and the Israeli Ambassador.  Maybe I can make a phone call while Prue is in the tub after a long day.  Oh wait, I can wake up two hours early and see someone then."

"Please don’t turn this into a fight Claudia Jean.  Your emotions are in disarray and you need to talk to someone about it."

"I have a lot of reading to do." She said.

"You came to me.  Why do you do that?  You come to me and then run when I get too close."

"I don’t know.  I know that I love you, and I need some time."

"You have all the time you need.  Still, you need to talk to someone about this.  The behavior is eerily familiar and I don’t want to get slapped around this time."

She nodded, turning and going back upstairs.  It was Rosslyn all over again. Watching Josh almost die and having to deal with all the feelings in the public’s view.  Standing up at the podium giving blow by blows of every facet of her friend’s condition.  Josh was diagnosed with PTSD after that.  Is it possible that CJ could have the same thing?  The beep of the microwave made her jump now, and if she heard a truck backing up it made her want to vomit.  Waking up nearly every hour to check Leo’s heartbeat could not possibly be normal.

"Mommy?"

CJ’s head snapped back when she heard Prue’s voice.  She shook everything off and walked into her baby’s room.  This was real life; this was where she needed to be.


End file.
